


Wavering Confidence

by scullypout



Series: Finding Your Life [2]
Category: The Sound of Music - Rodgers/Hammerstein/Lindsay & Crouse
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:35:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26055811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scullypout/pseuds/scullypout
Summary: The Maria companion piece to Georg's 'In A Look'.Hiding away at the Abbey, Maria contemplates her feelings for her Captain.
Relationships: Georg von Trapp/Maria von Trapp
Series: Finding Your Life [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2088783
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	Wavering Confidence

If you lay at a certain angle, with your head at the foot of the bed and your body twisted just so, you can see the sun rise creep in through the small window of the room that you have called yours for the last seven days. As lonely as you feel, you always felt most as peace in the early morning, watching as the sky turns a pale blue and the yellow of the morning sun gives the Salzburg skyline an ethereal glow.

You miss the way the freshly rained upon earth smells and the squelch of the dew under your boots as you storm up your mountain until you can almost touch the clouds. You miss the way the lake at the villa sparkles as the morning sun hits it for the first time.

As suffocated as the walls of the Abbey make you feel, you know you're safe here. No one knows your secret. You feel utterly horrified just thinking about it. You roll onto your back and throw an arm over your eyes and feel like you could combust here and now from the shame of it all.

There's a slight possibility that you're in love with Captain von Trapp.

There's a chance he's in love with you too.

Despite yourself, you can feel you heart race and a feeling of almost excitement bubble in your stomach and rise up to form a lump in your throat as you think of your Captain; all dark blue eyes and well fitted suits; and at one point, mere inches from your face and looking at you in a way that makes you want to both run away and inch even closer.

You feel like you've committed an unforgivable sin. You were there on the Lord's errand, to prepare those poor seven children for a new mother and to help guide their father back into their lives. And the Baroness! What must she think of you?

It's not like you feel this way about every older man who's ever been kind to you just because you've met so few. You're not that silly. This is not one of those safe little crushes that teenage girls often have either - like the one Louisa had on the home-from-university student who works the till in the Patisserie by the Post Office, nor the one your friend, Hanna, had on your German teacher when you were fourteen and he couldn't have been much older than you are now. They, Louisa and Hanna, had mooned over these (only just) men (who barely knew they existed) for weeks on end, the feelings intense but ultimately short lived. Neither of these crushes had the opportunity for any real hurt.

The way you feel is not safe. Far from it. For starters, you're no longer a teenager, and, more importantly, nothing about how you feel about the Captain feels safe. You feel like you're wobbling on a tightrope across Niagara Falls, like you're sat on the balustrade of the bell tower with your legs dangling over the edge. Like every time he looks at you in that funny, intense way, you're in the middle of the biggest adrenaline rush of your life.

Oh, how he looks at you.

It's the way his eyes flick to yours whenever anything happens. Like Brigitta brings up how much she's enjoying her newest book, or when Friedrich talks about a new skill he's learned with his football, or when Marta proudly declares how far down the road, she made it before falling off her bike this time. Like you're an integral part of his experience. Like your opinion matters to him.

It's the way his mouth quirks up at the right corner when he teases you. You feel something coil in your stomach and your heart feel like it could burst.

It's the way he looks at you with a sheepish smile whenever he accidentally reveals how much he's noticed about you, his eyes flicking to your lips. You might be inexperienced but you're certainly not as innocent as others believe you to be. Here, in the solitude of the sunrise, you admit to yourself that you'd wished he'd followed through.

It's the way he looks at you when his eye catches yours when he plays with his children and he shoots you a shy smile, the same way Gretl does when she presents her latest drawing to you and climbs in your lap. Like he's desperate for your approval and to make you proud. It's that look, the one of sheer relief at being reconnected with his children again that made you first worry that you loved him.

You had really hoped that you weren't in love with him. The same way you hope you haven't torn too big a hole in your dress every time you accidentally stretch too far and hear a seam rip, or you hope you won't have to run home in the rain as thunder rumbles above you on a day you forgot your umbrella.

You're in charge of your own destiny, or at least you always believed you were, but the thought of Baroness being right, that he loves you too, makes you stifle a sob. Your feelings are yours to manage, you've always managed to get yourself out of trouble somehow, but this might be the worst trouble of your life.

You don't know what you've done to make him love you. You've yelled at him, bossed him around in his own home, pointed out all his flaws in an indelicate manner, broken almost every rule he set for you. You don't know what there is to love. No one has before, and you doubt anyone will again. You're ok with that, you think, but you just don't understand what he sees.

You hear the bells chime for mass. You scramble to get dressed, grateful for the safety the walls of the Abbey afford you, but still feeling like you left your home behind in Aigen.


End file.
